Nothing Like Love Than a Stomp to the Foot
by Micky-kun
Summary: Antonio has prepared all his life with his two friends Gilbert and Francis to save the princess that lay inside of a castle protected by dragons. But there's a twist: They're inside a male body, and must get into the castle that lay in a female body. AU


A/N: This is a project I had to do for my health class, which was to write a letter about the journey of a sperm cell. I tried doing a letter, and it was hard. Thankfully my teacher allowed us to do other versions of the project, so I wrote a short story. Now being the semi-Hetalia fan that I was, and because my friend suggested it, I decided to put Hetalia characters into it. Honestly, writing this story made me become more of a fan.

* * *

"He's waking up."

"Okay, okay, clear out. Move out of the way!"

I wasn't sure what was happening, but my head rang like I'd been shot in the head twice. When I opened my eyes, four men surrounded me. Two of them had their faces covered, while the other two held their chins in their hands and stared at medical scrolls. One of the men turned his attention towards me when he saw I was awake.

"Good afternoon Sir Antonio, how art thou?" He greeted me.

I shook the dark curls from my face and smiled half heartedly. "I'm art fine art, but art why art thou art speaking art in art a art weird art accent art?" This caused the man to chuckle.

"You are just fine I see, good, good. Now rise and wash your face, you're as blue as a ice cube." That most likely wasn't a good thing, seeing as ice was clear and not blue. As sperm, male sperm to be exact, we had tinted blue exoskeleton. That didn't stop us from keeping a human-like appearance however.

Slowly I stood up from the resting mat on the floor. It wasn't the most comfortable contraption, as it was made of old muscle found within our host's body. A nurse rushed to my side, looking flustered as she did so, and handed me half of a hollow kidney stone filled with water. I raised it to my lips and took a long drink. The other men had a relieved look on their faces when I gave the cup to the nurse. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I turned to them.

"Why the long faces _mi amigos_?"

One doctor who wore a face mask stepped forward, his voice coated with a _very_ blunt tone. "You almost died Sir Antonio, doesn't that mean… anything to you?"

Seconds seemed to pass as I registered the news in my brain. I almost died.. How was that possible? I was in the best of my health, so nothing would lead to my death. What happened before I blacked out?

Hmm, nothing much as far as my memory went. It was a normal day in the east side of the village of epididymis. It was a few degrees above normal temperature too. Nothing _seemed_ out of the norm. Sure, everyone's work pace slowed down, and some even fell asleep on the sides of the road. Temperature was maintained as our host exercised in his natural habitat. Although, the village suddenly started to shake, and it got awfully dark. Man, I was so confused. You tend to be, when there are fellow sperm falling around you left and right from the rising heat. Before I could even get help, I fell to the ground and everything blacked out, it was like a light bulb going out. Nice imagery eh? No? Oh well.

I shook my head from the thought and went to go ask one of the doctor sperm a question about the event earlier in the afternoon. When I turned around however, there was no one in the small room.

"Well that's odd…" I mumbled while scratching the tip of my chin. Not dwelling on the thought long, I shrugged and walked out of the house where they held me while I was out cold.

It didn't take long for an sweet- no, not sweet, more like arrogant- voice called out to me. "Hey! Tony! You missed out on jousting in the afternoon! Not. Awesome. Man!" I turned around and saw one of my best friends, Gilbert, practically strutting towards me. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his slacks, and a wide smirk plastered on his face. He slung an arm around my shoulder and shook me slightly. "Tony man, with just me and Francis playing, there was no competition. Especially with the ladies checking us out in the sidelines, you know how it is with that blond eh? Can't keep his hands off them." He elbowed me in the gut laughing loudly.

I thought for a minute before answering. "Wait, isn't it Francis and I?"

"No, of course not!" Gilbert turned around and looked at me with a shocked expression, "I'm the awesome me! I come before anyone else!"

"Oh, how stupid of me," I rubbed the back of my neck smiling at the man. How could I have forgotten his huge ego? "Well anyways, I couldn't make it, I fainted."

This caused Gilbert to stop in his tracks. "Keseseseesesee! Are you serious!?! FAINTED!?!?" He continued laughing before I grew irritated. A few seconds of laughter later, and Gilbert ended up with a bump on his head the size of a human bobby pin. For a sperm, that is a pretty big bump. "What could have made you faint? You, Tony, Antonio, Sir Antonio one of the top Knights in the Round Sperm Table? Are you starting to turn into an egg, my friend who is not as awesome as I?"

"Aaah, no, not an egg yet my friend, I am still a sperm -and will remain so. Anyways, it was really hot this afternoon you know? I just blacked out just as it got dark. Next thing I knew I was in the Seminiferous Health-hut in the testicles." The Health-hut was where sick sperm got sent, and they got better. Also, young sperm matured there, and then they were sent into either sects of Epididymis Village, located right near the forest that protected the Seminiferous Health-hut. The Epididymis Village was separated into two sects, the east sect, and the west sect. There wasn't anything different from them, except that the west sect holds all sporting events.

"Oh hoo! So that's what it was! Yep, our host got quite a hit to his jewels, one got knocked up all the way to his pelvic region. Luckily it got moved back down in time! If it hadn't…" Gilbert ran his index finger against his throat while making a cutting noise. "Thankfully me and Francis were in the west sect, so we were safe from the chaos. Although, if I were there, I so would've saved everyone for I am the awesome me!"

"Our host should really protect his jewels, ya' know? Like, he should wear a cup or something that those hosts have, or he should've checked on us himself. Doesn't he know that if he doesn't take care of himself he could possibly kill us?" I chuckled and ran a hand through his slightly spiky silver hair. He just grinned like a mini devil and ran ahead down the road. There were some small round huts which the sperm lived in before they left the host's penis through ejaculation. When that happened, they raced to meet the princess egg of another host's body. That journey however, was a dangerous one, as only one made it to the princess alive. Whoever made it to the princess, joined together with her and produced another host for more eggs or sperm to live in. However, some hosts wouldn't be produced to the sperm and eggs joining together within the Fallopian Hallway or somewhere outside of the Uterus Castle. I wasn't sure what happened then, but I've heard a doctor once explain that it caused the host a lot of pain within the pelvic area. The same doctor also told me the impregnated egg could be removed if needed. Some hosts though were able to live when produced in said way.

I looked up and saw that Gilbert now sat at a table outside of a pub. With him sat another sperm who had long wavy blond hair. He wore red trousers and a blue overcoat. In his hand he held a glass of wine that twinkled in the sunlight. As I joined the two the blond sperm turned towards me.

"_Bon soir _my curly haired friend!" His voice the same as always: deep and husky, almost identical to lustful. I nodded at his greeting and propped one knee above the other. A waiter came over and placed a glass full of red white in my hand. I swirled the contents around before taking a sip. Ah, wine felt nice in the evening.

"_Buenas tardes_ Francis, how are you?" I raised an eyebrow and dipped my glass slightly in his direction. Francis sighed and flipped a lock of blond hair over his shoulder.

"Aah, my dear friends, I am distressed! Soon we will have to depart and one of us will have to join with the newest egg. To think, the two of you dying at such young ages," Francis wiped a fake tear from his eye, "The thought of it just makes me want to tear up." I looked at him with a 'you-got-to-be-kidding-me' look, while Gilbert just had a blank expression on his face, similar to my own.

Then, Gilbert stood up with one shoe on the table, his arm resting on the knee. He leaned forward so he was glaring at Francis. "Lookie here Francey-poo, I'm the one who will impregnate that egg, for I am awesome! You two are less awesome, therefore you two won't make the journey! Case closed."

"Hold up, hold up!" I stood up and slapped Gilbert in the shoulder. "Who said **you** would be the one to impregnate her? I think I have a fair chance." I took the collar of my tunic and popped it, posing in such a stupid way our host often did.

My silver haired friend barked a laugh. "Ha! Your chances of winning the body of the princess are the chances of straightening that hair of yours." He pulled on a strand of my hair until it recoiled back. Francis took this chance to stand up as well, and threw his wine glass to the ground.

"My friends, I'm sad to say that both of you are quite wrong in this situation, as I will be the victor. Nothing can sway the power of my French accent!" Francis tossed, what seemed to be, rose petals into the air. At the same time I noticed that other sperm around me were also in heated arguments. Then out of nowhere a voice broke through the fights.

"All male sperm report to the entrance to the Vas Deferens Marketplace and prepare for ejaculation." All it took was for that voice to say "Vas Deferens Marketplace" and all sperm within a fifty mile radius practically trampled Francis, Gilbert, and me over. After dusting ourselves off we took a look at one another. No words had to be exchanged to understand that none of us where going to give up the prize: the princess, and the knowing that we were right. And oh boy, I wanted to be right.

A word to the wise: never get between a sperm and the Vas Deferens. It's a crazy place full of pushing and shoving. I was in the middle of it all, with Gilbert and Francis by my side. Francis' usually collected matter shattered away long ago. Gilbert was trying to shove through the crowd and create a path. The keyword was _trying_.

We seemed to walk for hours. Of course it wasn't hours, it was more like a few seconds. Honestly, I didn't like being thrown back and forth, but at least I was able to stay calm, unlike two other people I know.

I stood on my toes, looking past the heads of other sperm. A large sign hang over head. It read: "Vash's Seminal Needs: Guns; Armor; Swords; You name it, we have it!" Aha! This is where we had to go. The Seminal Vesicle Armory, run by Vash, a man with a short temper and loves money. His armory earns a lot of money, seeing as how the Vaginal Cave in the female host's body is filled with bacterial dragons. Let's just say they love to take a bite out of sperm. If we're not protected, we'd be dead for sure.

As Gilbert continued to thrash around, I picked up Francis by his collar and dragged him towards the shop. "Gilbert, this way!" I called out to my other friend.

Without turning around he hollered back. "No! I don't need armor, I'm the awesome me, remember!? The awesome me doesn't need armor, so you wusses go ahead with your handicaps!" With that he ran away from the armory, heading towards a shop further down the marketplace, while Francis and I headed into the shop.

Once inside, a man of average height greeted us. He had light blond hair with a green military uniform on, and a white beret on his head. He also had the same blue tinted skin that Francis and I had.

He looked us over with a slight frown. Then he turned to Francis and tossed him a sword, which he barely caught, "You, take that!" Vash then tossed a suit of armor at him. Normally he was a calm guy, but at the rush hour his temper started to show. Which was why Francis didn't yell at him for throwing the thousand pound suit.

Next thing I knew, a giant ax was being swung at my head. "You there, stop ditty-dallying! Take this axe!" The hilt of the axe was long, almost taller than my height -which was pretty tall might I add- and the blade was curved and sharp, and had a spear-like head. I twirled the weapon around before letting it rest on my shoulder.

As I played with the weapon Vash took out a coat and tossed it my way. Since I was too preoccupied with the axe the coat landed on my face, completely making my sight dark. I picked up the coat and examined it. It was long, as the tail reached my knees, and there was a smaller jacket on the inside that was made of metal. There was also shoulder and elbow plates, along with metal gloves to further protect me. I slipped on the coat and didn't question Vash any further.

Speaking of Vash, he appeared quite annoyed. More customers were piling in, so he ushered us out. Actually, it was more like a kick to our behinds, but it was technically the same thing.

Francis was long gone by the time I recovered from the brute goodbye. So now I was on my own. Where did I go next? Oh yeah, Elizabeta's shop. She ran the Prostate Glamour Parlor. That was where she "made us suitable for departure", as the Cervical Door to the Castle was very picky -it had a mind of its own. It picked who entered and who didn't. Whoever didn't enter was left to the mercy of the Vaginal Cave's bacterial dragon.

You know, other sperm tend to fear you when you have a huge axe. A path seemed to clear for myself when I hoisted the weapon onto my shoulder. Maybe this is what it felt like to be king! I ran towards Elizabeta, who was shooing other customer's out the door. When she saw me her face looked annoyed and tired. Her honey blonde hair fell over her shoulders in a frizzy mess, and her pink tinted skin flustered. She was one of the few female sperm in our host.

"_Hola_ Eliza, I need you to make me as cute as button!" I greeted, and she pulled me in by my wrist. I wasn't quite sure what happened next, but it involved a lot of hair products. My eyes were red from the chemicals, and I tried not to cough.

"So, do you think you're going to impregnate the egg?" Elizabeta broke open a conversation with curiosity, there was a hint of knowing to her tone as well.

I shrugged while she toyed with my hair. "I dunno. I mean, there are others who have a chance." She sighed and tried to straighten my hair.

"You never know, you might be the one to win hi- her heart," Elizabeta stopped fixing my hair, aggravated as it wouldn't straighten. Then she lightly pushed me out of the chair and lead me towards the door. "Go get hi- her, tiger! Oh, and when you go see Roderich, tell him I said that I need those pictures back, 'kay thanks!" I stepped out onto the marketplace once again. There was less sperm squabbling around. That meant ejaculation would take place soon.

Oh crap, if I missed this, then Gilbert and Francis would keep laughing at me in my sleep. I jumped off the parlor steps and sprinted towards the last destination: Roderich's Cowper Ranch. He let the sperm use his horses to make their journey easier towards the castle.

When I arrived to the ranch the owner was no where insight, but instead a few horses. I looked around the ranch, which consisted of a lone farm house with the paint falling off of the wood, and a barn not so far away. The rest of the land was marked by a white fence. I untied one of the horse's reins which kept him bound to the fence. A saddle was already in place, and I pulled myself up onto it. Again I looked for the owner Roderich. He was a tall man, above average height, and he had slicked back brown hair and glasses, and always had a dignified air to him. Although, most took him for a stuck-up snob, but he was very close to Elizabeta. What their relationship was, no one knew.

I looked down at the horse and pet the mane before kicking its sides to have it gallop forward. Have I mentioned that I loved to be on horses? It had a freedom of speed, and I needed speed. When I felt I wasn't going fast enough, I beckoned the horse to run faster, and it did.

Ahead of me I saw the small figures of men on horses. The figures eventually grew as I advanced closer to them. Soon I was caught in the middle of the frenzy, and found Gilbert and Francis on horseback next to each other in the middle of it all.

"Oy, oy! Francis!" He turned towards me and waved. We neared the Urethra Tunnel, which was located inside the Penis Hill -sometimes it's a mountain, depending on whether our host is excited or not, and in this case he was _quite_ excited. Ah, what was it called again? An eriction? An erikjaction? Oh! Erection, yes. We were rushing through the darken pathway, and a light was shining upon us. A light? That meant we were near the crossing through. There were thunderous moans echoing through the hardened walls of the tunnel, most likely the two hosts.

Gilbert turned to me and smiled wildly, "Come on Tony! This is it, then the competition begins haha! Don't get your hopes up though, for no one can compare to my awesomeness!" That was Gilbert for you, his vocabulary limited to only a few "awesome" words.

That was when all the sperm around us started yelling, and we were ejaculated into the white light.

Light faded as we trotted through the Vaginal Cave slowly. It seemed safe, but we all knew that wasn't true. Dragons were everywhere. Their purple scales stood out against the dreary cave walls, and their backs rose as they slept. I looked over at Francis, who was a little weary himself, while Gilbert looked cocky as ever. He mouthed "The awesome me can handle this!" And silently chuckled.

I tightened the grip on my axe, shivering slightly. The cave was warmer than I expected, much different than the always cool air of Epididymis Village.

A roar boomed through the cave and the dragons awoken. Gilbert had taken a full speed charge towards the direction of the Door of Cervix. One of the dragons eyed him, not seeing any armor on him, then took to the sky.

Gilbert paid no attention to the incoming beast. In fact, he laughed and waved the sword he carried. "What's any dumb old dragon going to do to me? I'm too awesome to get hurt, remember?!?" He looked behind him, smirking at the dragon that chased after him. Then he jumped off his sword, rearing his arm back.

When the dragon was close enough, he slashed the blade against the beast's snout. The dragon roared, shaking his head to get off the blood that smeared his face. Then it slammed its spiked tail at the horse, who died upon impact. Gilbert remained calm, he never broke a sweat, it was something we -as in Francis and I- all admired about him.

The dragon made another attempt to snap the silver haired sperm's neck in two. However, Gilbert rolled to the side, creating a small slash in the dragon's neck. Although, as he did so, the scaled beast placed a giant paw on his stomach, holding him down.

This time, Gilbert struggled. He looked at the bright orange eyes of the beast, and smirked. "What are you going to do huh?! You can't kill me!" The dragon drew back its lips, showing rows of sharp teeth, and two long fangs that curved down to his chin. It drew its paw back, and in one swift motion Gilbert now had four long gashes rolling down his chest and abdomen. Satisfied, the dragon returned to its resting place. It took one look at the rest of us and our shocked expressions. It prepared to attack, but saw our armor, and fell back asleep. Apparently it wasn't in the mood for a hard fight.

"Gilbert!" I told the horse to trot forward, and I fell off the creature and landed on my knees next to the wounded sperm. Gilbert opened his red eyes slightly and smiled, laughing weakly.

"You know Tony, you and Francis are kind of awesome, you know? The best friends any guy like the awesome me could ever ask for! Of course, you could never step up to my awesomeness! 'Cause you know, I'm the best at being awesome, because I am awesome!" He looked up at me, then at Francis who leaned against the side of the cave dumbfounded, then at the roof of the cave. "Yeah, I can't die, because I'm awesome," were his words before his eyes glazed over, and closed with a sigh. His head hit the ground of the cave with a _thump_.

And that was it, just like that. I didn't know what to feel, perhaps it was too soon since his death. I did feel empty inside however, as I lost one of my best friends. Francis placed a hand on my shoulder.

"It'll be alright," he muttered before looking in the direction of the Door of Cervix. That's right, we still had a job to finish. I slapped myself in the face lightly before grabbing my axe, which I had dropped, and remounted the horse.

The other sperm weren't too sure what to do, as they were afraid of the dragons getting to them. While they shook with fear the dragons awoken, smelling their apprehension. I kicked the sides of the horse and he galloped off.

The Door of Cervix was a giant door that lead to the Uterus Castle. There was some scars along the door, and I stared at the sight. The woman host, did she have some kind of cancer? Cervical cancer I believe it was. There was some stitching along it too, so she must've gotten out of surgery lately. I sighed. She must've gotten it from an HPV, probably from having a lot of hosts for mates. She probably shouldn't have a lot of mates so she doesn't get that kind of cancer again. Or she should've gone to a host doctor and have it checked early on.

I demounted the horse and walked up to the door. I knocked on it, and it opened slightly. Pushing my way in, I took in a look at the castle. It was a dark red color. The walls, floors, and ceiling covered in tiles made of the endometrium. I strode around, what seemed to be, the entrance hall of the castle. It was small, but it looked like it could stretch. There wasn't much to it, as it was just an open space, and a staircase that lead to two hallways. I climbed the stairs and looked down both hallways. Each were completely empty, though I decided to take the right one.

This was known as the Fallopian Hallways, each connected to the Fembria Gates, which the eggs stepped through in order to join together with another sperm. On the other side of the Fembria Gates were the Ovary Nursery, that was where the eggs grew up.

I continued to walk down the hallway, looking out the occasional window, which only had darkness on the other side. Although, at a certain angle I saw a large red mass. Was that the ovary? Ew! I thought ovaries weren't covered in a red mass, but that is just.. Gross! Okay, my host's mate is officially weird. I mean, come on! I thought ovaries were small! That is NOT small!

I saw the Fembria Gate, and it opened slightly. Out of it stepped a young maiden dressed in a green and white dress. The lady had pink tinted skin, and short auburn hair. A profound curl bobbed on the right side of her head and she had a rather annoyed expression on her face. She had a tough aura around her, and oddly I liked it. Normally, I didn't like girls who stuck up for herself, but this one was different.

I ran up to the maiden, and smiled at her. "_Hola seniorita! _Why such a foul mood?"

She stared at me before slapping me across the face. "Who are you calling '_seniorita_' huh!? I am a guy for Pete's sake!"

What she said threw me off. Guy? Pfft, she's wearing a dress, and her skin is pink.

"No, you're a girl, I know these things," I nodded my head and she huffed while shoving past me.

"Hey! Where are you going!" I called after her.

She turned her head so she looked over her shoulder. "I'm going to find another sperm. You are just a moron, and create a bad host from the looks of it." Ouch, that one hurt.

"But fair maiden, one as lovely as yourself deserve no other sperm than myself! We would create the most beautiful host, as you would be her mother!" I saw a blush form on her cheeks, this satisfied me. A smile crawled its way to my lips. Hopefully she would change her mind. Then she shook her head.

"I'm flattered, but flattery gets you no where."

"Well spoken princess!" A voice called down the hallway. I looked over and saw Francis striding towards the lady. I ran over to the both of them with an enraged expression. Francis was not going to take the princess away from me!

"Francis, _mi amigo_, why don't you just run along, this lady belongs to me," I wrapped an arm around her shoulders, but she shrugged it off.

"I belong to no one," she barked, but it was ignored by the both of us.

Francis scoffed and waved his hand absently. "You're out of your mind. For this lady…" He leaned in close and examined the princess' face more closely. "Why, this is a boy… well, at least he's cute."

A few seconds passed as I said nothing. I blinked a few times. "Francis, surely you've been mistaking. This is no boy, but a lady. Trust me, I know these things!" Francis shook his head and took out his sword.

"I'm sorry my curly haired friend, but this one's body belongs to me! It'll be the ultimate prize," he said as he got in a fighting stance. I readied my axe, and prepared to swing it at my friend. Normally I wouldn't fight my friend. But this lady would be mine! This was the day I've waited for since I was a kid! I went to swing the axe, when something, or someone, else hit Francis.

A fist flew out of nowhere and hit Francis square on his blue nose. He cradled his nose and fell backwards.

The lady stood with her fist extended forward, shaking slightly. "I am not some prize," she growled, "I am an egg. I am Lovino Vargas, NOT! A! PRIZE!!!" Lovino kicked Francis in the gut and he fell down the staircase and back into the uterus. She turned back to me and hooked her arm through mine.

"Well," she sighed, "You're not the… smartest, or the greatest, or the manliest sperm I know. Unfortunately I'm stuck with you."

I beamed down at her. "Really? Yay! We'll make a beautiful child!" I picked her up and swung her around. Lovino didn't seem to like being picked up, as she started to squirm. I put her down and hugged her.

Lovino looked a bit annoyed, but we continued our way to the entrance hall of the castle. "So, do you think this will be a boy or a girl?"

I scratched my head in thought. ""Well, you're awfully manly for a girl, so I'm guessing it's going to be a cute little boy, and he'll look just like you!"

Lovino stomped on my foot and stalked away. "You're such a moron!"


End file.
